Changes in Self-Discovery and Realization: The Single Life, Good Friends & Tiempo per me

Sola— it’s no secret its been this way for me for over four years (five later on this year), and there’s only been one “Ghost of Christmas Past,” whom it felt as though he were five different men because his personalities and mental health were so complex. It took me years to realize the task I undertook being in a serious relationship at such a young age. I said in the past how I tried, and cried, for years to get back into a relationship, and towards the end of 2016, I realized I don’t need nor want one.

How did I come to this realization? Online dating; I tried it, yet again, having a much better experience this time around than previous ones (advice time: Bumble is awesome, stay away from OK Cupid, nothing but creeps looking for one night stands). I spoke with a variety of men, some weird, some cool, and one really nice and sweet. I even planned dates with some of them, and connected on social media. Yet despite these recent turn of events, I knew in my heart after having this positive experience on something I once thought desperate, even negatively, about that it’s not the right time for me. Per Me– for me. I never truly endured or experienced time for myself. I’ve had plenty of it, but it wasn’t until 2016 that I knew what to do with it. I was always used to being so-and-so’s daughter, so-and-so’s girlfriend, so-and-so’s friend that I had no idea how to truly be myself.

Another thing is I spent way too much time with the wrong people. When you waste time trying to fit in with individuals who possess no want, desire, nor need for you, it’s soul draining. For the record, I’m not here to demonize anyone; these are good people. We just didn’t go well with each other anymore. Maybe we never did after we explored other groups outside of My Chemical Romance, the band that bonded us all together. Maybe they incorporated me into the group more because they pitied me over everything that happened with my ex. Perhaps they thought they could change me, and I won’t lie, I thought I could influence them, too. Either way, the flame died, and there’s nothing we can do about it except smile and move on. I may not have many friends, but they are the most trustworthy, amazing individuals I’ve encountered so far in my 22-and-a-half years of life. I also have numerous acquaintances and colleagues who are awesome people, too. This attitude and more sets me apart with how I once was and most of those I left behind. Two things, actually: I’m grateful and always feel of hope.

Therefore, 2017 is the year of me– tiempo per me. Get a full-time job, start a career, have fun with friends, travel (even if it’s only the subway into Manhattan) and, if God wills and I feel its the right time, maybe just maybe date again. Namaste myself because as Stephen Hawking put it, “when there is life, there is hope.” Grazie mille.

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12 Things I’ve Learned While Being Single for 4 Years

1.) It’s not the end of the world.

2.) You’re going to want to lean on your friends. A lot. That’s fine and all, but don’t treat them as you would a romantic partner in terms of making plans and contact.

3.) Don’t be too clingy and don’t get too sad drunk. You’ll only push people away.

4.) Unless they’re dead, you’re going to hear things about your ex from people who’ve seen them. Don’t be rude and dismiss them, but also don’t take the updates too much to heart. Especially if it involves your replacement, too.

5.) On that note, you’re going to see family, friends, teachers, neighbors, etc. who’ll ask you “how’s so-and-so doing?” and have to explain to them you broke up. Even years after the fact. Don’t be annoyed or offended; it’s annoying, but not their fault and they don’t mean any harm. Just say the gist of what happened (“we broke up”), they say “aw, I’m so sorry,” and everyone moves on.

6.) You’ll notice family and friends starting to reveal their true colors about your former S.O. when the topic comes up. From “… was nice, what did you do” to “I always knew…was an asshole,” take it all in and don’t let it get you too happy or upset.

7.) The grief you’ve both knowingly and unknowingly repressed for so long always comes up around specific dates– birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, you name it. Eventually, it’ll pass in time, but the holidays are always going to be difficult, as they are when you lost someone in death. But it does truly get better as time goes by.

8.) Whether or not you get back together or see other people, you need to be alone. In order to learn or relearn how to love others, you must first and foremost learn to re-love yourself.

9.) Therefore, alone time is a must, no matter how long or painful it might be.

10.) You can do things you normally could never do that your ex-partner held you back on with the full grace, confidence, and excitement you need and deserve.

11.) You learn how to have fun by yourself and gain that much needed confidence back.

12.) You realize you don’t need an S.O. (significant other) to make you happiness; happiness lies in yourself. Being single is ok 🙂