Cutting off a connection is never easy, especially given the love human beings can develop over time for one another. Whether its a family member, friend, romantic partner, spouse, etc., the point of the matter is that sometimes things run their course and “click” between two people that was once there is gone. Added to the fact if there’s a negative, toxic person involved, whether it be one of people themselves or a third party, all the span of all things, whether good or bad, ceases and stops.
10.) When you can’t wait for one of you to leave first.
Its normal if you’re having a crazy day/week and can’t wait to get rid of who you’re with and relax in solitude or if you’re having an argument and want some space. What crosses the line is when the only thing you look forward to when being together is leaving. This shows your focus on seeing the person is afterward like, “finally, they left, I don’t have to worry about this again for another week or so.” This leads to sign #8, but let’s get to #9.
9.) When you don’t care about not seeing them.
Life happens where we have plans and our plans get changed or interrupted. Its fine not to care about not seeing someone if circumstances like work, family matters, emergencies, etc. come up because you know there’s an important reason and you’ll see each other soon. However, its not cool when you have no legitimate reason to be around someone, giving them false hopes of hanging out or talking when you honestly couldn’t care less. This is not only cruel to yourself since you’re hanging unto a shoe you should toss into the ocean, but to the other person who is the shoe in this metaphor, too. Most times when we experience this notion, it goes hand-in-hand with #8.
8.) When you view contact with them as a chore.
Its like Sunday dinner at Nonna’s — you’re expected you go, whether you like it or not. However, unlike most Sunday night Italian dinners at 2:00 pm, there’s no enjoyment you get out of this speaking/gathering anymore. Maybe you don’t even honor this chore because you want it. Perhaps you do it because your friends/family likes them, not you. Maybe they were different in the past, but are strangers now. Either way, if this is the only reason you have anything to do with the person in question, its not a good one.
7.) When they try to monitor everything you do.
Ever see that Alfred Hitchcock film Vertigo where James Stewart tries to remake Kim Novak into Kim Novak? First off, yes you read that right, watch the movie to understand, and that’s exactly what this is. From choosing your chores, hair/makeup, interests and mannerisms, they won’t let you do anything without their approval. You even have to watch what you see around them in fear that they’ll disapprove and it’ll cause a fight. Yet God forbid it was the other way around. No relationship of any kind should be this way.
6.) When you feel better apart than together.
This sentences hurts. Imagine the person you love, but you can’t stand being around them. When you’re alone, you feel free; when you’re together, you feel chained, trapped like a prisoner. This is always a tell-tale sign of when its best to move on, whether people just simply grow apart or there’s a negative influencer involved. It sucks thinking its best to do, but in the long run will be fine once you listen to your gut when you’re alone and let go.
5.) When they listen to negative people over you.
You’re not the only person in your person in question’s life; they have other family members, friends, S.O. (if its not your romantic partner/spouse), perhaps even children are involved. Unfortunately in most cases, many people have bad, negative influencers in their lives. They can range in relationship from a family member, friend, S.O. (unless the exception noted previously), co-worker, acquaintance, etc. Nine times out of ten, the negative influencer is a horrible, nasty person who is so insecure they insert themselves into and mess up other people’s lives because they’re so dissatisfied with their own, which they ignore in turn. Most times, we see their true colors before our person in question does, and conflict arrives every time we try to tell them. Eventually, you might feel like the bad one and not the negative influencer since you try in vain to tell your loved one, but they ignore you and make you feel bad. Perhaps they need time to cool down, or perhaps its time to go. Either way, the negative influencer’s true colors will show themselves in time. If a good person, your loved one in question will tell you you’re right, regardless if you’re in each other’s lives or not.
4.) When the relationship’s one sided.
If its always what they want to do and not you, its time to go. If they can do something, but you can’t, get out. If they’re controlling and have all the power and you have none, leave. Simple, said, done.
3.) When you’re constantly feeling superior/inferior around them.
Its normal for people to mature at different paces. However, some people never change and will always be their immature selves. If you feel this when you’re around them and their ego makes you feel better or worse then them, get out honey because its only downhill for you both from there. It’s worse sticking with someone like this because they’re going down, and taking you for the ride right along with them.
2.) When you no longer feel like you can be yourself around them.
This reason hurts. As Jim Morrison said, “a friend is someone who gives you freedom to be yourself.” If you’re with someone who doesn’t allow you that freedom, they’re not your friend. They think they are, but they’re not, because a friend would never do that. Chances are they’re just using you for something, whether its a free ride or just someone to yap off to. If we stick with people who lessen our sense of self, we not only repress it, but question and forget who we are in the long run. This affects ourselves, as well as the other relationships we have around us. Learn to let go before its too late.
1.) When their true colors show.
I had an acquaintance from high school who quickly filled the role of replacement best friend when my BFF and I were on the outs for two years. I originally started talking to her because she seemed nice, shy, and innocent — but it was all just a farce. Yet, if I never really got to her, I never would’ve realized this. Between year in a half to two years later, she served a large role in the disintegration of my relationship with my old boyfriend, being the “other woman” involved. However, I should’ve known her duplicity before that.
A few months after we begun talking more, I moved to her lunch table and got involved with her friends more. Those close to me know I have a raunchy sense of humor, and I wasn’t aware that not everybody likes that. Needless to say, I made an enemy out of one of the girls. It ended in a battle of wits behind one another’s back until I was “kicked out” of the lunch table, and simply went back to my old one. There I realized the reason for leaving was foolish and wrong — I moved to the other one because I “didn’t like” some of the people at mine, and for no reason at all. I got to know them more, and saw that they were good, genuine people, and I felt horrible for shunning and making fun of them beforehand. I also started to see that this person held more back then she originally led.
What happened next was over a year of he said/she said, backstabbing, making comments and saying I said them, copying my mannerisms, behaviors, wardrobe, and hair styles, and, the biggest cherry popping of them all, fooling around with my boyfriend, and claiming they were in a “relationship” before I left, both times, and in denial of being the one thing she ever truly was — a mistress and, after I fled, a knock-off replacement.
This was in 2011-2012, and it’s now 2017. A few months ago, I was reconciled with one of my friends from high school, ironically this person’s ex-best friend. Just as she was the filler for my BFF, so I was for hers. But unlike mine, she and hers never fully reconciled, and she destroyed that relationship all on her own. My friend never made peace with what happened between them, and seeing how I was the only other person who was able to get close to this individual, wanted to talk to gain some closure. What happened was a revamping of said individual’s true colors to the both of us. Not only did she pull the same “she said/he said” crap with her, too, but she instigated the same lunch table wars and routine of kicking out and blaming it someone there was a disagreement with, too, — when they were in the third grade.
Third grade — she repeated what she did to hurt and confuse someone in the third grade in junior year of high school. Before all the Single White Female stuff, it all boils down to that; the lunch table incidents showed what she was truly like. That’s why not everyone is who they might appear. Does this make everyone bad like this person? No, not everyone is like her, but some can be. Some already are and we don’t even realize it. The point is, if someone is a bad person and not treating you right, get them out of your lives before you’re past the point of no return. Its like performing an operation with the anesthesia wearing off; do it before you feel every little thing.
Most importantly, don’t feel bad or discouraged by this list. You are worth it, and you can perform said task if you must and move on with ease. If I can do it, you can, too.