Where the Duck Have You Been?

Hey y’all! If anyone’s reading this, as Katya Zamolodchikova said last week– the bitch is back. Not just Katya, but anch’io, me too. Like Katya though, I’ve taken a break for awhile to focus and recover from a few things. My situation is quite different, but I took a break from screenwriting, posting on this blog, and just about writing in general outside of work to get things in focus.

Unfortunately, I haven’t been as happy this year so far as I was last year. I’ve been battling a seasonal depression that started as soon as winter did. For anyone who doesn’t know how the East Coast’s been fairing, let’s just say that it’s April and still snowing–I’m serious, we got bombarded this morning!

Along with the crappy weather, my life has been in a tough situation. Know that thing I was trying so hard to manifest last year? Guess what–it didn’t happen. In life, eventful moments usually come in threes–deaths, births, weddings, breakups, fast food outings, trips to Smashburger, etc. I was so pumped and ready for my big three mid-last year. I exited 2017 with two of them–new job and new home–but the third didn’t come around. It involves renewing contact with someone who’s been out of my life for years again, and it didn’t come through. I don’t know what’s worse–that this person most likely no longer has a cell phone, that last ditch efforts to reach them through their mother were in vain, or that he fudging got my message on their damn house phone and never contacted me back.

It didn’t even really hit me till about two months ago how much this has truly devastated me–so much so that I threw myself back into the tenth dimension of hell, aka online dating, to cope. Additionally, that also did not turn out as planned–not that I have faith in online dating anyway, but still🙂🙃

In life, we must accept that we only make things worse when we try to replace someone–even if they’ve been gone for six years. We’re all different and beautiful in our own way, and I’m finally, officially giving it up to God. I tried too hard to do an Anastasia and “Journey to the Past,” and then I attempted too desperately to meet someone new that I’ve had nothing but conflicting energy. I love New York City, but hate how everyone is constantly on their phones. It makes it nearly impossible to truly meet anyone! Yet, I must accept the inevitable, and by that, I mean throwing the white flag in on my date altogether. Good show, ol’man–good show. God, Jesus, the Universe, whichever bastard took away RuPaul’s Drag Race being free to watch on Amazon Prime–make my life better. Send me a miracle and big, positive change in my life. Please? Grazie Mille. Namaste and amen🙏💗❤️

By the way, things have sucked, yes, but not everything has been bad. Here’s some good news:

  • I worked my first huge event at work last month, and it was awesome. I can’t wait to do it all again next year, and all inside the fanciest hotel I’ve ever been in! It’s like Art Deco meets the Palace of Versailles!
  • You may not be able to tell from here, but my writing has vastly improved, and gets stronger each day.
  • My sister and I are going to San Francisco in late May.
  • One of my best friends gave me a framed photo that she designed as one of my Christmas gifts, and I cried tears of joy–I’m always blah, and am realizing that I’m afraid of everything because of the abuse I endured as a kid in a backward Catholic school where I was discriminated against for my body image and ethnic origins. I didn’t belong to the ethnic group where I went to school for nine years, and was always singled out for it. I couldn’t even say I’d pass for it, since my naturally dark hair gave me away. This is why I love being in diverse places, like my high school alma mater (also a Catholic school, but more liberal and open minded), my university alma mater (where I also work), and New York City so much. In fact, I get more aggravated by the businessmen on the Metro North going home then wannabe artists on the subway (some of them are awesome!). So this is a big deal for me!
  • I officially start classes for my Master’s degree in May two days after my sister and I get back from San Fran.
  • I’m learning how to read auras–this is fun!
  • I took advantage of a great sale at Wayfair and bought a new bed with lots of storage. My new room is small, and I lost my desk and bookshelf, so the fact that I can now stack things under my bed helps a lot!
  • I’m blonde again😍😭💁‍♀️I know hair color isn’t supposed to make a difference and blah, blah, blah, but I’ve never felt myself with any other color as I do this one.
  • Most importantly, I started groundwork about a month ago on my novel–no, not one of those side projects that I dabble with that never get done, I mean the novel, the one that is making me famous as soon as I publish it. It’s nowhere near completion, but Chapter 4 is a good start. And I’m only letting my mentors and closest friends see it when ready–call me paranoid, but I don’t want to post publicly about it until it’s copyrighted and out there.

So that’s about it for now. Namaste everyone–please wish me luck, I truly need it! I’ve missed writing on this, and wish you happy reading. Love you all💗❤️

By the way…

The featured image is a meme I made going to a conference downtown💁‍♀️I past this building when I got off the subway, and couldn’t resist.

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Positivity & Light: A Lesson in Peace

Buona giornata a tutti! The past week’s been very busy, bringing many points to light as the changes keep piling on. One thing that drives us all a little “insane” is the anxiety and anticipation towards what we’re trying to manifest. Whether it’s a phone call, job, home, even just for that restaurant you can never get a table at to take you just once, we can get caught up in the thought and visualizing so much that we have no inner peace. Hens, it delays the process from moving forward because, while we’re open, but constantly thinking and worrying, we’re blocked.

On Sunday, I watched Doreen Virtue’s weekly video and a lot of her words and messages for the week spoke to me, especially one in particular. That one pertained to constant worrying about something. While we master our lives, God (or the universe, depending on your beliefs) gives us what we need 1.) when we need it and 2.) at the right place and time. Therefore, the constant thinking throws us off course and off alignment. After taking this in, I realized that we all need to focus on an important virtue we use for everyone but ourselves — peace. Give your worries up to God/the universe, meditate, and move on. Go about your daily life without obsessing over the future; by living in the moment, we trying are open, willing, and ready for what’s here and what’s to come. Not to say that you’re not allowed to think about what you want, just don’t let it consume your mind. After all, even the best rock stars need a rest between albums and sets now and then. Have a blessed day and remember to always focus on the positive and embrace the beauty in being free!

Positivity & Light: Morning Prayer

Dear *God, Jesus, Mary, St. Anthony, Lakshmi, St. Jude, St. Michael, all the angels and saints and ancestors —

Hear my prayer. Grant me a mighty

heart to be good, mature, and

grounded at all times. Help me

understand what my mind cannot

comprehend, hold my hand and direct

my paths; Thank you for all you’ve given

me, and all that will be given — help me use

the law of attraction to obtain my heart’s

desires, let go, and live my life in peace. And when

the time comes for these gifts to be brought forth,

deliver them to me the best way possible, one in

which I expect yet do not expect. Praise be to God

and the universe — consider it done.

…and so it is. Amen.

*insert the name(s) of deities you personally worship while reciting the prayer

Pursuing the Self: May 2017 Update

Its no secret I’m not like most young people, especially women, out there. Like all of us, I’m uniquely me, and there’s nothing or no one who can change that. I used to think that was a bad thing growing up in a cliquey environment in my grade school neighborhood, and was constantly escaping who I was because I was convinced it was “stupid.” It took until 2014 for me to realize being myself wasn’t bad, and I finally felt fully comfortable in my own skin with my life, goals, passion, etc. last year in 2016. It started small, with hosting restaurant patrons and highlighting my hair to reflect the humble bombshell I usually was on the inside on the exterior.

The pursuit of myself has led me to a lot of realizations. One, for example, is that I have been dating despite not being in a relationship for nearly 5 years. Dating can meet two things — one, the most popular, is being in a romantic relationship with an individual and the other means taking means to pursue a relationship. This includes talking, texting, going on dates, etc. Despite having only one long term boyfriend, I’ve dated many guys — and it took me years to realize this. Another thing that confuses us is that modern dating occurs mainly through texting as opposed to the old fashion way of talking on the phone and constantly meeting up. The meet ups are sparse, and its easy to lose touch with someone if both parties aren’t interested. This leads me to my next point — what I want in a man. I’ve grown a lot in years, but I will not apologize for being vain and wanting a guy who, to me, is good looking. As an old friend once told me, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” and I can’t be attracted to someone if they’re not physically appealing. That’s number one part one; numero uno parte due is their personality. Say what you will about my ex. He was a complicated man, but he knew how to enter into a room and make people laugh. Its the charisma and charm he once had that I crave for in a partner, along with good looks. I’ve dated men who were good looking and that was it; I dropped them like hot tamales because, as the opposite of a famous Disney tune, there was nothing there. And one thing that makes me special and different than most people is that I don’t waste my time when I see no future ahead; rather than force someone just so I won’t be alone, I’d rather be alone, or as I now see it, happy in solitude while I wait for something better. And believe me, I can wait.

Speaking of waiting, the thing that’s hardest waiting on is when my career can finally start. Being an aspiring writer, its not an easy industry to break into. I once was told, “if you want to be a writer, you might as well be an actor; you have an easier chance making it there.” Anyone who knows the industry can feel the sucker punch I felt in my gut upon hearing that. Even more insulting? I’m also pursuing acting, too. It’ll be a year since I graduated on Saturday, and its hitting me that I don’t have a full-time job, or any job for that matter, in my field: the film and television industry. I gotta admit, it had me really down and upset yesterday. I may be young, but I have an odd soul and mature heart and want my big break now. Keeping this in mind, I stopped, paused, and meditated. Despite not being where I want to be, I am where I am now. I’m grateful to have a job, even though I’m part-time, and the ability to take advantage of learning more about the respective HR fields and also pursue acting and writing in my spare time. I entered numerous writing contests and fellowships, including several with major TV networks, such as CBS, NBC, HBO, and WB. My final one, which I’m sending to ABC, will be sent out in a week to two at the latest, and then I feel like I can breathe. I finally wrote a whole screenplay and submitted it to the Nicholls’s Fellowship, and know in my heart that in itself is something to be proud of. I’m a lot farther than I originally thought.

What sets me apart from people my age is they apply to 5 jobs and give up. They lose the person they love most and settle for the next one that comes along, forcing themselves to “love” them, when in reality they’re using them as a clutch, a replacement so they don’t have to physically be alone. I’m not like that; I don’t waste my time and I never give up. I have a beautiful figure, which I’ve enhanced since I started working out and began being healthier than I once was back in February, which is matched by a beautiful heart; I know who I am, what I want, and what’s going on. I’ll listen to my prayers and meditation. I’ll keep attempting my law of attraction exercises and never give up. Yet I’ll let go, live life being the kind hearted dreamer I am, praying and trusting that God and the universe will give back to me what I so long desire.
via Daily Prompt: Pursue