Tanto monta, Monta Tanto: The Search for the “Perfect” Partner

Once upon a time, I shared my life with someone, a man who captivated my heart and mind, yet had some demons which ultimately tore us apart, that mixed in with the both of us being very young, naïve, and immature. Nearly five years later, and I have yet to enter into another relationship, but dated around. My experiences with men in my 23 years are like young person’s– mixed. Men are like children and dogs; you’re never find the same one again. You might find bits and pieces of him in others, whether in physicality, mannerisms, or personal interests, but this is not Vertigo; you’re not going to find an exact doppelgänger of “the one who got away” waltzing down the street, and if you do its certainly not good nor wise for them or your mental and emotional health to change them into a replica.

So what must we do failed date after failed date, relationship after relationship, time after time? First and foremost, we must focus on one person, the only one who matters most — yourself. As RuPaul says at the end of each episode of Drag Race, “if you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love anybody else.” So self love is a key. Do things on your own — go shopping, swimming, hiking, treat yourself to a tempting lunch, breakfast, dinner, dessert, or all four. Go out, live free, have fun. Learn to have fun by yourself and get to know yourself again.

No what? You practice self love, to your own self you’re true, what’s next? You need to narrow down exactly what you want in a partner — physically, personally, emotionally, mentally, etc. Don’t force a relationship with someone who merely gives you attention or because you don’t want to be “rude” to the family and friends who’re trying to set you up with someone. If you’re not physically and/or emotionally attracted to someone now, you’ll never be. You’re forcing the horse to drink the water until he pukes it all out. Let them down the right away, until they don’t get it or don’t give up; then “ghost” them, by “ghost” I mean ignore, delete, and block them so they can’t reach you again. Trust me, dealing with an annoying “gentlemen caller” a couple of times a year at parties is much better than him always being the first person to like your stuff when your heart doesn’t belong to him — especially if your heart belongs to someone else.

Speaking of someone else, who is that guy? He’s your soulmate, your romantic soulmate because, let’s face it, there are so many soulmates we have in life, but also your equal/missing half, yet realize that you are and always were whole, you just had yet to realize it. So what are you looking for? You’re “tanto, monta, monta, tanto.” This phrase means, “They amount to the same,” or “opposites in balance,” the alleged motto of Isabel I of Castile and Fernando II of Aragon during their marriage. This showed that they were equal rulers in their own rights, and both reigned over their inherited kingdom and served as consort to the other’s, respectively. Therefore, you want someone who’s a ruler, a leader, but won’t force your hand. A man who is as attractive on the inside as he is on the outer fields. This person motivates you, and gets inspired themselves. You two complement one another like berries and cream or salt and vinegar; whether you’re exactly alike or opposite or a combination of both in common interests, its your passion, charimas, love, and motivation that inspire one another. And that, therefore, is what we must find — tanto monta, monta tanto.  Only through this can we find a partner who’s “perfect,” because remember darling, there is no such thing as perfection, it is merely an illusion created my mankind. The only thing that’s perfect is God, the rest is just how good we can be and get, and notice that everyone, and everything, is you, yourself, pushed out.

Have a blessed weekend! 🙂

Image via the second season of Isabel, TVE, 2013
via Daily Prompt: Partner

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The Power of Meditation & How It Saved Me From a Farce

Buon giorno, everyone! The past month was busy, from my vacation in Florida to preparing materials to enter into another writing contest, but its safe to say I’ll post again daily now. Don’t worry, I knocked on wood to ensure this happens.

One thing that I cultivated more in these past weeks is meditation. One of my best friends is huge on meditation, and her actually meditating on the beach while we were in Florida really inspired me. From enhancing the power of prayer to the energy within myself, I’ve been more in tune lately and am currently using law of attraction exercises to bring me my heart’s desires. It is and isn’t easy — getting into the zone is easier when you truly let go, yet truly letting go is the hard part. The reason why is because its good to use affirmations and visualize your manifestations, yet if you focus too much, it’ll cause friction since the emotions and desired outcome are too attached to one another. After trying a new technique last night, and taking action with the last contest I entered in so far in terms of manifesting my career and lifestyle goals, I’m ready to fully let go and let go. I did let go and let God, and eagerly wait the desired outcome while surrendering my will to the higher power of the universe.

Speaking of God, the universe, or whatever you wish to call it (I use both interchangeably, along with Jesus, Mary, and specific saints since I identify as an open-minded Catholic and call for ancestors on occasion, too), its amazing how the higher power is always looking out for us. The first time I felt the strength and didn’t know it, I was driving and felt something have me take force of my steering wheel and go into the other lane without hesitation. I realized why five minutes later when the car in the other lane nearly collided with the one behind me, who was now parallel to them. The moment of awe, wonder, and “thank you, God” set in as I made it safely to class three years ago. Someone was watching over me and ensured my safety while on the road.

That same moment came to me five nights ago, but I wasn’t on the road traveling; I was in my own house. After a long day of working hard on my General Hospital spec script to submit to the Disney/ABC Writing Program and attempted realization in between, I finally took at break. It was after 10:00 pm, and I went to browse my phone when I noticed I had a missed call. I clicked and saw that 1.) the call was actually from the night before at 12:38 am and 2.) it was a number I didn’t recognize, yet it had my county’s area code. When this happens, its usually a telemarketer or a recruiter. Why a recruiter would call someone after midnight I don’t know, but I have had them message me at 1 am before, and always for, pardon my tongue, bull shit jobs that its obvious I don’t want since I put specifically on my requests “no sales position inquiries.” So I Google the number, as I always do when I receive a call from one I don’t recognize, and I was in shock by what popped up — it was the home number of someone who screwed me over in the past. Her parents’ info came right up; I was shook.

Out of respect, I won’t provide any details other than this person was a horrible friend and was my then-boyfriend’s mistress for the last 10 months of our relationship before I left for the final time and she officially replaced me. My mind might sound biased, but even before all that happened, I knew in my gut she was a bad person because of the things she’d say and do to people. However, I like to see the best in people and hoped it wasn’t true. It took all that plus her throwing her sins onto me and getting people to believe them to fully rip my eyes open. As one of my friends who has an amazing sixth sense said upon meeting her one time, this person is “soulless,” giving off nothing but the worst aura imaginable. That’s why God had me miss that phone call — to protect me from whatever mind games she wanted to play, despite the fact that five years came and went, and she got exactly what she wanted. The last time she bothered me four years ago, and she did it very sneaky since she makes people snap at her and pretends to be the victim, I fell right into her trap and the outcome was not good. I don’t know why she’d call me, but I do know she used that number because she knows I wouldn’t answer if she did on her cell phone. Yet her outcome of causing a farce was not achieved; mine of meditating that night and working hard the following day was, and I didn’t even notice her sad attempt until later.

How did I handle it? Through wisdom — the wisdom I acquired and continue to over the years guided me to block the number to ensure it would never happen again. This is a far cry from the girl I was years ago, who would’ve fallen into the trap of calling back and getting all worked up. As much as I would’ve loved to finally have told her like it is, its not worth it. Her energy is so dark and negative that it would cause nothing but pain, pain I left behind so long ago. I don’t wish her well, and I don’t wish her luck; I forgive her for stealing my life years ago and hope karma does her the justice she deserves, if it hasn’t already.

After blocking the number, I got on my knees and thanked God. I haven’t gotten what I want just yet, but I did prevent myself from dealing with something, someone, that was nothing but wrong. Never underestimated God, the universe, whatever you want to call your deity’s power; True Light only wants what’s best for you.

Have a blessed day and nothing but peaceful energy and vibes 🙂 !

via Daily Prompt: Farce

The Struggles of Being an Empath

We all think and feel many things throughout the course of the day, thoughts about ourselves and other people, places, and things. These include the literal and the abstract. When we think of others in certain situations, its easy to judge from the outside; we’re not in their minds. Oh wait, what’s that? It appears that some of us actually are. I actually am.

empath-result

I’m an empathy– one who takes on the feelings and energies of other living beings and places. When someone around me is upset, I can sense it before even hearing their voice. When I go to a home or neighborhood, I immediately get the feel. In fact, one thing I do when I go on job interviews is I like to navigate the area better, knowing what my possible new environment looks like. The only times I didn’t do this were because I already knew the area(s). The point is, I pick up on things and feel them more deeply than the average human being.

This is both a blessing and a curse– I’m blessed because it makes me compassionate, open hearted, and easy to talk to. I also give incredible advice. However, it is an equally, if not more so depending on the person, a curse since I can be affected by energies of people and places in more way than one. For example, if someone lives or works in a toxic environment, I immediately feel it when I walk in the door. The longer I remain there, the tenser and more anxious I get. I try to build a mental wall around me to protect me from the bad energy, but try to be as nice and courteous as possible. However, if I continue to languish there for what I know is too long, everything changes; the energy latches onto me, and I try in vain to get rid of it. I rant and rant once out; if not out, I calm up in silence and get nervous or bitchy if someone has an attitude with me. I try to be a Pollyanna and bring out the best in everyone, but some people are too negative and don’t know how to do anything but bring one another down. To be honest, it sucks feeling this way, but I’d rather be me than them any day.

Another struggle of being an empathy is trying to sway people in toxic situations in the right direction when they don’t want to leave. I’m a go-getter– I never give up on my goals and dreams. If I did, I would not be where I am today, which although isn’t where I pictured myself, is where I need to be right now and much better than where I was a year, two, three, etc. years ago. I rid myself of every toxic person and thing in my life. The only exception is my home, but only because I don’t have money to move out, nor do my parents have the money to move to a better neighborhood. Still, that’s the one area where I’ve mastered putting up with the negative energy because when you live in a not-so-great area, you get used to it. Plus, I know I’ll get out eventually, so that hope drives me on.

Hope– its what I have that I want for those around me. I want those around me to see the best in themselves and take action on getting out of toxic situations. Talking isn’t enough; doing is what matters most. As previously mentioned, I give amazing advice. There’s one piece of advice I’ve been giving someone for years. Each time she gets closer to fully taking it, she reverts back to square one, and gets nasty with me when I try to bring it up. I mention I’m not bringing it up again, she can make her own decisions. She realizes she’s in a toxic environment, confides in me, and the next part is a line I’ve perfected for two years straight:

“I told you what to do.”

I told her what to do. Over, and over, and over again. I helped her move closer and closer to moving forward with achieving this goal, and when I did, she was overjoyed and grateful. But then something happens– money (which can be wonderful or damning depending on the situation; in most cases for us poor and middle class folk, its the latter), a good day, being in the habit of something and not wanting to break it. Back to square one again. And after that, back to her re-re-re-re+ realizing “this isn’t where I need to nor should be” and me telling her what to do over and over again, she snaps.

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

She doesn’t snap at those in the negative environment. She doesn’t snap at those who take advantage of her. She snaps at me– the one who’s trying to help. I’m not the only one who advises her on this issue; her own husband gives the same pointers as I do, in fact even better. Maybe I egged her on too much; perhaps I should’ve kept my mouth shut. But when you absorb the feelings of those around you, especially family and friends, like a sponge and genuinely feel where they’re coming from, you can’t help but inclined to help. When you get yelled at for helping, you can’t help but feel offended, even when you know the fault is not with you, nor is it with them. So your mood changes– because they’re not happy. And that’s the worst part of being an empathy, when you try in vain to help someone and they shut themselves and yourself down. Even more distressing, and I encountered this with many old friends, is when they shut you out, yet let a horrible, negative person and/or people in. I’m not saying that’s what this person’s going to do– I know that she’s not like my own friends and has long evolved past the point of reverting to that– what I am saying is that this is why empaths feel and hurt the most out of everyone.

Despite my complaints, I am proud of who I am. I like picking up on the feelings of those around me because it reduces my risks of getting taken advantage of. I see people’s true colors, and it allows me to choose the best and kick out the worst. I used to ignore it, fearing that I was being too selective in people, but after two of those closest to me (including the person I’ve just used as an example with trying to help) asked me why I kept a negative person around when it was clear she was psychotic, I realized I was right; I only befriended her because I ignored my gut feeling and thought “maybe I’m being too harsh.” No, I wasn’t being too harsh then, and I’m certainly not being too harsh now. I see and feel the world differently, not with rose colored glasses nor in black and white, but in Technicolor. And that’s that. I’m done feeling sorry for being a good person and apologizing for giving a rat’s ass. Simple, said, done.

A Word of Advice to Students and Recent Graduates Going on Interviews

I went on 12 interviews this past year, starting from January, 9 of which were in person. These interviews were for internships, part-time, and full-time roles. While I have yet to land a full-time job, I have learned a lot from how to treat and not treat people (read my previous article on such matters here http://bit.ly/2knVi1t). However, I embarked on an interview last week and, thanks to being in HR for a few years, knew something wasn’t right. The interviewer said that the compensation for the internship would be $9.00 per hour. When I remarked how New York State raised the minimum wage, she replied, “Oh, that’s only in restaurants.” Since she was nice, I put it off, however, I officially saw confirmation the following day that she lied, and, despite the “please let me know your questions and concerns” part at the end of the interview, ignored my question when I asked her to confirm the compensation she told me and only got back to me to say I didn’t get the position, not even having the respect nor decency to put my name on the email, merely stating, “Hi there,” like I’m one of her silly little friends. Obviously, this is not right.

Therefore, I’d like to warn all and any students and recent grads that I can not to get conned into accepting positions like this. Unless you’re interning for credits, never ever take an internship for free. This is an exploitation of labor. Never take an internship/job that pays below minimum wage claiming to be on the books. If you did/do and were/are in a pickle, know you have the legal grounds for a lawsuit (industries with tips not included). For further information, please see the New York State Department of Labor website:

https://www.labor.ny.gov/workerprotection/laborstandards/workprot/minwage.shtm

Take care, everyone!

 

12 Things I’ve Learned While Being Single for 4 Years

1.) It’s not the end of the world.

2.) You’re going to want to lean on your friends. A lot. That’s fine and all, but don’t treat them as you would a romantic partner in terms of making plans and contact.

3.) Don’t be too clingy and don’t get too sad drunk. You’ll only push people away.

4.) Unless they’re dead, you’re going to hear things about your ex from people who’ve seen them. Don’t be rude and dismiss them, but also don’t take the updates too much to heart. Especially if it involves your replacement, too.

5.) On that note, you’re going to see family, friends, teachers, neighbors, etc. who’ll ask you “how’s so-and-so doing?” and have to explain to them you broke up. Even years after the fact. Don’t be annoyed or offended; it’s annoying, but not their fault and they don’t mean any harm. Just say the gist of what happened (“we broke up”), they say “aw, I’m so sorry,” and everyone moves on.

6.) You’ll notice family and friends starting to reveal their true colors about your former S.O. when the topic comes up. From “… was nice, what did you do” to “I always knew…was an asshole,” take it all in and don’t let it get you too happy or upset.

7.) The grief you’ve both knowingly and unknowingly repressed for so long always comes up around specific dates– birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, you name it. Eventually, it’ll pass in time, but the holidays are always going to be difficult, as they are when you lost someone in death. But it does truly get better as time goes by.

8.) Whether or not you get back together or see other people, you need to be alone. In order to learn or relearn how to love others, you must first and foremost learn to re-love yourself.

9.) Therefore, alone time is a must, no matter how long or painful it might be.

10.) You can do things you normally could never do that your ex-partner held you back on with the full grace, confidence, and excitement you need and deserve.

11.) You learn how to have fun by yourself and gain that much needed confidence back.

12.) You realize you don’t need an S.O. (significant other) to make you happiness; happiness lies in yourself. Being single is ok 🙂

 

The 7 Most Disrespectful Things Prospective Employers Do From a Candidate’s Point of View

Nothing takes away the excitement of going for a job more than gaining insights into your prospective employer’s true colors before a deal is even made. Having gone on numerous interviews with surprising results this past summer, I’ve encountered some situations where even my career councilor has said, “It’s actually great you didn’t get the job because I would never want to work for a company like that.” Here’s my list of what’s the worst things companies can do to you during the hiring process:

7.) Never Getting Back to You After the Interview

You hear back from the hiring manager, and are brought in for an interview. It looks like they loved you and are very interested. They tell you when they’ll get back to you by. You feel great. You send them a ‘thank you’ email as soon as you get home, along with following up with them at the appropriate time, if asked. Yet nothing; you never hear anything back. Ever. You agonize in job limbo furthermore, more tortured by the lingering questions of “what did I do wrong?” and “why don’t they have the decency to get back? even ‘no’ is better than this!” It plain out sucks.

You’d think this issue would be number 1, but this issue is a lot more common than you’d think. In fact, though it doesn’t feel that way, 9/10 times the employer never getting back to you isn’t because you did anything wrong. Some workplaces are so busy that with applicants and interviews that it’d take too much time to contact all the candidates back. Furthermore, sometimes complications arise with the position itself, and it may be delayed or done away with. I never had this happen to me until this year, and it’s the worst, but you can’t take it personal most of the time. However, if the employer asks you to follow up and you do, and they respond but don’t give you a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer, then that’s just plain rude. And yes, it’s happened to me. The response? “Thank you for sending this.” So unprofessional!

6.) Calling You in For an Interview Less Than 48-24 Hours

The only exception to this rule is if it’s a situation where the job needs to be filled ASAP. I’ve had this happen to me two times, and one was because of the exception, so it was perfectly alright. However, if you as an interviewer and employer email someone at 7:00 p.m. or later asking them to come in the following day and not giving them at least at few days notice, then you’re totally unprofessional and disrespectful of not only your job candidates, but their current jobs if they have any, too. One day is not enough time to call out to go for a 5-15 minute interview. Unless it’s the job of a lifetime and they’re going to give it to you on the spot, it’s not worth it. So unless it’s an emergency or the role needs to be filled ASAP and there’s not enough time, this spells rude with an R on Capital Hill.

5.) Having a Full Blown Conversation With Other People While the Interview is Supposed to be Going On

It’s common to have more than one person interview you or at least sit in on the interview. Most times, they’ll engage in small talk with each other and yourself. It’ll relieve some tension and make you feel comfortable. That’s totally normal. However, what’s not normal is if those people break out in dialogue over issues that have nothing to do with you to the point where you’re invisible. Then, they won’t even ask you about yourself, and you feel like you have to insert yourself in, but don’t want to be rude and they look at you the way the Plastics look down at everyone in Mean Girls. Like, why would you bring me in and waste my time hearing your mini workplace reality show? Sorry, that’s 50 shades of nope screw this.

4.) Claiming Flexibility When Actually Being Rude and Inconsiderate

It’s common for places to give you an interview time(s) that don’t work and you need to coordinate your schedule sand move things around together as a team. Interviewer and interviewee. Most times, hiring managers and interviewees will find common ground on another date and time if the original proposed one doesn’t work out. On the other hand, you have hiring managers who claim to be flexible, but then give you attitude if you need to do another day for a legitimate reason. For example, one place got back to be and did reason 6, which already is a bad sign. Then they asked me about another day that didn’t work, and I said I could try, but I had a doctor’s appointment and don’t want to rush anything and not make it in time. Also, God forbid I don’t feel well because those are eye tests the last thing I should do is hop on a train to Grand Central and start running around the city. Therefore, I asked a different day. Know what they said? They forced me to make Monday and said they’d “work around me,” that the other day “hurts me.” I’m sorry, I didn’t know this was more important than my health. So, I got back asking for a time, explaining I’d need time to get into the city and never heard anything back. There’s strikes 1,2 and 3, 3 I’ll get to later since it’s reason 2 on this list. So if this happens and they don’t get back, don’t sweat it. However, if they do get back later on, like the day before or the day of, too bad. Don’t be afraid to be discrete but also be professional, poised, and well-mannered about it. Just say, “I’m sorry, I did not receive a confirmation in times and have work related matters I need to attend to.” Simple as that.

3.) Attacking You and Ignoring You Over Job Description Details in the Midst of Trying to Schedule an Interview

This is not your fault– this is theirs. If someone isn’t qualified for the job, forget about bringing them in, don’t even look at them. I had this happen to me. I applied to a position and had the necessary experience except for one platform. However, it seemed like they overlooked that, and the hiring manager was coordinating bringing me in for an interview. It was weird; a date was set, but no definite time. It was supposed to be a Monday. The Friday before I get a nasty email saying, “I see you don’t have experience in…., this is correct? If so, why? What’s the reason?” So, I got back politely that while I didn’t have that platform experience, I was nevertheless a fast learner and very easy to train. I never heard from him ever again. Disappointing, but not overly upsetting since he also…

2.) Never Confirming an Interview Date and Time

…which is the cherry on top of the cake of ultimate insults and rudeness. It’s customary for the interviewer to suggest a date/time for the interviewee, the interviewee to say yes/no/confirm, and then the interviewer confirms back so both parties are set. Unfortunately, I’ve had this happen to me twice. Once was the time above, and another was before that. The interviewer reached out to me with a date and time that worked perfectly, and I told her it worked great. 3-4 days went by, and I didn’t hear anything back. I told my career advisor, asking her what I should do, and she was very angry. She said sometimes employers respond within 1-2 days, but 3-4 something is wrong. Long story short, it took having a third party (my career advisor) reach out to the hiring manager to basically force her to confirm the date and time. There are two best parts to this whole story. The first part is that she offered no apology for not getting back and said, “actually that doesn’t work anymore. Can you do….instead?” So, I had to take off work and rearrange my schedule to do so, but I was polite and said of course. That’s part one. Finally, part two to this messed up situation which leads to most disrespectful thing numero uno…

1.) Not Showing Up to Interview the Prospective Employee…

Yes, after all that, she did not show up. Bear in mind, life happens. People get sick, there’s work/family emergencies and, as dramatic as it sounds, people die. However, if someone just goes AWOL that’s another story. I showed up 10 minutes early, as an interviewee is supposed to, and she’s wasn’t there. A co-worker went off to get her, but after 3-5 minutes of searching, he said, “I’m not sure where she is right now, so I’ll just interview you instead.” I’m happy he did, he was a nice, professional and well-rounded man who knows what to do in weird situations, plus he did a great job interviewing me. But it still bothered me that my original interviewer never showed up. Which leads to honorable mention disrespectful reason part two to this reason…

…Along with Rejecting the Candidate and Pretending Like You Met Them

Yup, I have no words. When I saw, I was literally speechless. I asked my career advisor for advice, and she said to get back polite thanking her, but zing her with, “Hope to see and hear from you soon,” since I was at least told that if there were any other openings in the future that my resume was on file and they’d keep in touch. Never heard from them again, though I’d love to work for that company, just a different department and not with that woman. I feel bad for anyone who has her as a boss.

That’s it for this list, hope you enjoyed it! If you have any questions, comments, or interesting interview or prepping for interview experiences, feel free to share, get the word out and let everyone know. Maybe if we all get our stories out there, some hiring prospects can change for the good.