Separate Ways

Two little girls sit one by one, two

little girls; only one is the star. A star

of a show of her brand new life, while

little one falls on her knee and cries. Now

she climbs, she rumbles, getting herself

back up. As she rises, that little one comes

tumbling down. And like God and Adam, they

reach their chubby little fingers towards each

other, one to help the other up, until both little

cherubs like Zeus in Alexandria are standing

tall. But soon the path widens, and one little

girl with indifference cries, while the other

packs up, says her goodbye. “Fare thee well,

sweet sister, fare thee well,” she replies. “We

are on the same journey, but different roads. We’ll

meet again, as time due flies.”

  • Julia St. Clair, ©2017, 4:40 p.m.
Advertisements

Growing Apart

Day by day, hour by hour. Time

sits patiently yet races like a

thoroughbred all at once. And our

lives slip from each other, growing apart.

Single vs. married, homeowner vs. wanderlust,

Homemaker vs. writer, Settled vs. figuring out,

 

You pressure me so — to swallow my pride, settle

for less. How many years have our lives intertwined

and you still think I must accept second best? You

advise not to look at appearances, but your spouse is Khal

Drogo, so from experience you cannot speak. For

you above all know though the spirit is willing, my

thirst for pure flesh is weak. I lost myself, surrendered

all pride for a man who I loved years ago — why force

what isn’t there with losers and sigh?

 

And there it is again, you chastise me. But sorella mia,

do you remember not what I told you year ago? Don’t

set me up nor force me to settle; do not stir the pot,

make haste not to break the kettle.

Don’t you see I am a bird who refuses to be

caged? And yet you make me feel guilty for being

true to myself, day by day. So I accept this distance,

this growing apart. We will always have each other,

we’re just at different points in our lives. We possess

opposing characteristics, conflicting outlooks, different

hearts.

  • Julia St. Clair, ©2017, 1:09 p.m.

What’s Meant to Be…

…it will, shall be, no matter the length

of time passing between you and

me. Stop dragging your feet, do not

fear — touch, reach out– I promise —

I am here; I bear no ill will, am holding

no grudge. The past is dead, finished, gone —

done. Years down the drain, keep calm — its

time to move on, and cast all anxiety aside. Pick

up the phone and call, what must you lose! We

already lost so much time. But descandsar

rest — I promise as we reunite, we’ll get by — for

what’s meant to be is..shall..will be…for what’s

meant to be is you — you and me.

  • Julia St. Clair, ©2017

    *Image from #StayQuotable via Google Image search

Puncture

Puncture the wound on the

breast of my heart, tales of

new glories and old woes which

tear us apart, lay down the

blade, grasp deeply my hand, breathe

upon my breath as if this moment is

your last. A hole in a hole — salt massaged

into my wounds. A new day arises, yet

what else is there to do?

The Power of Meditation & How It Saved Me From a Farce

Buon giorno, everyone! The past month was busy, from my vacation in Florida to preparing materials to enter into another writing contest, but its safe to say I’ll post again daily now. Don’t worry, I knocked on wood to ensure this happens.

One thing that I cultivated more in these past weeks is meditation. One of my best friends is huge on meditation, and her actually meditating on the beach while we were in Florida really inspired me. From enhancing the power of prayer to the energy within myself, I’ve been more in tune lately and am currently using law of attraction exercises to bring me my heart’s desires. It is and isn’t easy — getting into the zone is easier when you truly let go, yet truly letting go is the hard part. The reason why is because its good to use affirmations and visualize your manifestations, yet if you focus too much, it’ll cause friction since the emotions and desired outcome are too attached to one another. After trying a new technique last night, and taking action with the last contest I entered in so far in terms of manifesting my career and lifestyle goals, I’m ready to fully let go and let go. I did let go and let God, and eagerly wait the desired outcome while surrendering my will to the higher power of the universe.

Speaking of God, the universe, or whatever you wish to call it (I use both interchangeably, along with Jesus, Mary, and specific saints since I identify as an open-minded Catholic and call for ancestors on occasion, too), its amazing how the higher power is always looking out for us. The first time I felt the strength and didn’t know it, I was driving and felt something have me take force of my steering wheel and go into the other lane without hesitation. I realized why five minutes later when the car in the other lane nearly collided with the one behind me, who was now parallel to them. The moment of awe, wonder, and “thank you, God” set in as I made it safely to class three years ago. Someone was watching over me and ensured my safety while on the road.

That same moment came to me five nights ago, but I wasn’t on the road traveling; I was in my own house. After a long day of working hard on my General Hospital spec script to submit to the Disney/ABC Writing Program and attempted realization in between, I finally took at break. It was after 10:00 pm, and I went to browse my phone when I noticed I had a missed call. I clicked and saw that 1.) the call was actually from the night before at 12:38 am and 2.) it was a number I didn’t recognize, yet it had my county’s area code. When this happens, its usually a telemarketer or a recruiter. Why a recruiter would call someone after midnight I don’t know, but I have had them message me at 1 am before, and always for, pardon my tongue, bull shit jobs that its obvious I don’t want since I put specifically on my requests “no sales position inquiries.” So I Google the number, as I always do when I receive a call from one I don’t recognize, and I was in shock by what popped up — it was the home number of someone who screwed me over in the past. Her parents’ info came right up; I was shook.

Out of respect, I won’t provide any details other than this person was a horrible friend and was my then-boyfriend’s mistress for the last 10 months of our relationship before I left for the final time and she officially replaced me. My mind might sound biased, but even before all that happened, I knew in my gut she was a bad person because of the things she’d say and do to people. However, I like to see the best in people and hoped it wasn’t true. It took all that plus her throwing her sins onto me and getting people to believe them to fully rip my eyes open. As one of my friends who has an amazing sixth sense said upon meeting her one time, this person is “soulless,” giving off nothing but the worst aura imaginable. That’s why God had me miss that phone call — to protect me from whatever mind games she wanted to play, despite the fact that five years came and went, and she got exactly what she wanted. The last time she bothered me four years ago, and she did it very sneaky since she makes people snap at her and pretends to be the victim, I fell right into her trap and the outcome was not good. I don’t know why she’d call me, but I do know she used that number because she knows I wouldn’t answer if she did on her cell phone. Yet her outcome of causing a farce was not achieved; mine of meditating that night and working hard the following day was, and I didn’t even notice her sad attempt until later.

How did I handle it? Through wisdom — the wisdom I acquired and continue to over the years guided me to block the number to ensure it would never happen again. This is a far cry from the girl I was years ago, who would’ve fallen into the trap of calling back and getting all worked up. As much as I would’ve loved to finally have told her like it is, its not worth it. Her energy is so dark and negative that it would cause nothing but pain, pain I left behind so long ago. I don’t wish her well, and I don’t wish her luck; I forgive her for stealing my life years ago and hope karma does her the justice she deserves, if it hasn’t already.

After blocking the number, I got on my knees and thanked God. I haven’t gotten what I want just yet, but I did prevent myself from dealing with something, someone, that was nothing but wrong. Never underestimated God, the universe, whatever you want to call your deity’s power; True Light only wants what’s best for you.

Have a blessed day and nothing but peaceful energy and vibes 🙂 !

via Daily Prompt: Farce

Changes in Self-Discovery and Realization: The Single Life, Good Friends & Tiempo per me

Sola— it’s no secret its been this way for me for over four years (five later on this year), and there’s only been one “Ghost of Christmas Past,” whom it felt as though he were five different men because his personalities and mental health were so complex. It took me years to realize the task I undertook being in a serious relationship at such a young age. I said in the past how I tried, and cried, for years to get back into a relationship, and towards the end of 2016, I realized I don’t need nor want one.

How did I come to this realization? Online dating; I tried it, yet again, having a much better experience this time around than previous ones (advice time: Bumble is awesome, stay away from OK Cupid, nothing but creeps looking for one night stands). I spoke with a variety of men, some weird, some cool, and one really nice and sweet. I even planned dates with some of them, and connected on social media. Yet despite these recent turn of events, I knew in my heart after having this positive experience on something I once thought desperate, even negatively, about that it’s not the right time for me. Per Me– for me. I never truly endured or experienced time for myself. I’ve had plenty of it, but it wasn’t until 2016 that I knew what to do with it. I was always used to being so-and-so’s daughter, so-and-so’s girlfriend, so-and-so’s friend that I had no idea how to truly be myself.

Another thing is I spent way too much time with the wrong people. When you waste time trying to fit in with individuals who possess no want, desire, nor need for you, it’s soul draining. For the record, I’m not here to demonize anyone; these are good people. We just didn’t go well with each other anymore. Maybe we never did after we explored other groups outside of My Chemical Romance, the band that bonded us all together. Maybe they incorporated me into the group more because they pitied me over everything that happened with my ex. Perhaps they thought they could change me, and I won’t lie, I thought I could influence them, too. Either way, the flame died, and there’s nothing we can do about it except smile and move on. I may not have many friends, but they are the most trustworthy, amazing individuals I’ve encountered so far in my 22-and-a-half years of life. I also have numerous acquaintances and colleagues who are awesome people, too. This attitude and more sets me apart with how I once was and most of those I left behind. Two things, actually: I’m grateful and always feel of hope.

Therefore, 2017 is the year of me– tiempo per me. Get a full-time job, start a career, have fun with friends, travel (even if it’s only the subway into Manhattan) and, if God wills and I feel its the right time, maybe just maybe date again. Namaste myself because as Stephen Hawking put it, “when there is life, there is hope.” Grazie mille.

Change– It’s That Simple

via Daily Prompt: Simple

As the first month of 2017 draws to an end, I feel the wind of change embracing me in open arms like never before. To begin, usually every January I have a little life crisis and worry that I’ll never amount to anything. This happened to me ever since I was a child. Note the word happened– this year was the first year this “crisis” did not occur. Ironically, the time in my life where it would be normal to be worried, I’m not whatsoever. I may not be full-time or working in my field yet, but I still have a job that I love. I have bills to pay and working part-time, I can’t save anything up, but its ok. It won’t be like this forever. Maybe it was the incredible experience I endured being a contestant in Miss New York USA (separate posts about that coming up) or the calmness that came over me when I returned from Rome last June, but I feel like if I keep doing what I’m doing, working hard in the office and on the side with my writing and job searching and give it up to God, everything’s going to work out. I don’t know how, but I’m trusting in the unknown and just know.

Breaking into the business– its going to happen, and I have a feeling soon. I won’t give too much away, but whether I need to intern again and work two jobs (including the one I have now), working full-time, being chosen as a writer in the Late Night Writer’s Workshop 2017 (please pray for me that I hear back positive news) or a little bit of both, it’ll all be ok. Moreover, its having hope and good cheer, no matter how heavy the storm hits, that matters most.

Cha-Cha-Ch-Changes– Professional Life

I chose this photo of the late and great David Bowie and the title of one of his many classics to sum up everything that’s going on. After tomorrow, I will no longer be working in Briarcliff. It’s strange, shocking, a welcome change, but bittersweet. It honestly didn’t hit me until I saw the midst of everyone packing today, once lively walls illuminated by colorful paintings, posters and awards now slain cream, dull and barren, ready for the new owners, who I pray treat the property with the tending loving care it rightfully deserves. As I saw my old department move, I saw what I’d essentially be going through tomorrow– goodbye. We’ll still be together, all the departments. I, for one, am much happier that I’ll be closer to my co-workers instead of my current spot, which put me with students, but I understand since it used to be the student and part-time area, and the tables turned where the students outweighed the remaining part-time. Not that there’s anything wrong with students, heck I was one 6-7 months ago and am debating on becoming one again, but I’m happy I get to be closer with my superiors and not having to go across the halls and the building.

Speaking of school and that full-time job that opened up in my old department, my former supervisor also interviewed me for the position today. It went very well, and he said I’d probably be one of the final candidates for the job, and would have one more interview with the department head. I felt, and feel, very confident and excited, the anxiety and at one point nausea which plagued me all week nervous on applying or not, and how everything would play out, just delaying me from seeing the positives in it all. I guess what made it harder is the fact that I absolutely love and appreciate my job now, so much so that it’s really going to break my heart a little bit whenever I leave, whether it’s for this position or another one in a few months, year, etc. As for the position in question, it’s a full-time job, a learning experience, a foot in a door and beginning to build a career, and it incorporates a key part of my plan– going back to school. I’ve narrowed my options down to two– education or publishing– and hope to narrow that down to one sometime in the new year. I never thought I’d seriously consider going back to get a master’s. Mostly because of financial issues, but also I thought I’d never need it. I never thought I’d have the need to go back until I realized how disappointed I was in how I was reeled into my undergraduate major with false hopes and promises. Don’t get me wrong; I’ll never regret the classes I’ve taken, the wonderful professors who taught and enlightened me, the education of my mind and thought. However, had I known how difficult it would be to become a writer in the television/film/media industry, I would’ve utilized my love of history and majored in that instead. Therefore, I made the decision that, whether I get this job or not, I will go back and get my master’s in 1-3 years time, and I’m pretty darn proud of that decision.

Also, speaking of interviews, I have another one on Monday, but for a marketing company. When it rains, it pours, and that’s with good things, too. Unlike from years and months ago, I become calm on the outside when getting overwhelmed and privately deal with the stress by focusing on the good. I find the stress goes down that way. I also try to put myself in other people’s shoes and empathize with the other side– what would I do if I were them? What would I want? How would I feel? These questions and many more are what we need to ask ourselves. Moreover, God forbid someone’s giving us a difficult time, instead of getting overworked and to the point of frustration, gently try to understand and offer the best help possible. Worse comes to worse, explain you can’t do anything for them unless they calm down, that way you can say you really did the best you could’ve.

No matter what these changes bring, as Mr. Jones, a.k.a “Bowie” put it, “time may change me, but I can’t change time.” Namase.