Tighten the breath, held sharp
within my chest, as lips purr to
scream, silence arises from pain
held deep down beneath, trapped
forever in my heart’s depth.
- Julia St. Clair, ©2017, 4:00 p.m.
Tighten the breath, held sharp
within my chest, as lips purr to
scream, silence arises from pain
held deep down beneath, trapped
forever in my heart’s depth.
Two little girls sit one by one, two
little girls; only one is the star. A star
of a show of her brand new life, while
little one falls on her knee and cries. Now
she climbs, she rumbles, getting herself
back up. As she rises, that little one comes
tumbling down. And like God and Adam, they
reach their chubby little fingers towards each
other, one to help the other up, until both little
cherubs like Zeus in Alexandria are standing
tall. But soon the path widens, and one little
girl with indifference cries, while the other
packs up, says her goodbye. “Fare thee well,
sweet sister, fare thee well,” she replies. “We
are on the same journey, but different roads. We’ll
meet again, as time due flies.”
Day by day, hour by hour. Time
sits patiently yet races like a
thoroughbred all at once. And our
lives slip from each other, growing apart.
Single vs. married, homeowner vs. wanderlust,
Homemaker vs. writer, Settled vs. figuring out,
You pressure me so — to swallow my pride, settle
for less. How many years have our lives intertwined
and you still think I must accept second best? You
advise not to look at appearances, but your spouse is Khal
Drogo, so from experience you cannot speak. For
you above all know though the spirit is willing, my
thirst for pure flesh is weak. I lost myself, surrendered
all pride for a man who I loved years ago — why force
what isn’t there with losers and sigh?
And there it is again, you chastise me. But sorella mia,
do you remember not what I told you year ago? Don’t
set me up nor force me to settle; do not stir the pot,
make haste not to break the kettle.
Don’t you see I am a bird who refuses to be
caged? And yet you make me feel guilty for being
true to myself, day by day. So I accept this distance,
this growing apart. We will always have each other,
we’re just at different points in our lives. We possess
opposing characteristics, conflicting outlooks, different
“We boil at different degrees” — this means that everyone grows and matures at their own pace. Perhaps you feel different and disconnected from people, places, and things whom you love, but have evolved from. Maybe you’re deciding to build a new life for yourself and your family and friends think differently on it. It could be you or someone else has yet to move on from a traumatic event or want to break free. The message? Descansar — rest, don’t tire yourself. If you’re feeling down because your moment has yet to come, fear not; your time is coming, all you need do is have patience and wait.
I’m one of the most impatient people I know of and can vouch for that. A year ago, I was working in a position that I knew I wanted to get out of when my supervisor informed me that my co-worker and I were getting let go in a month; our department moved to another division, and the funding was no longer available to pay part-time employees. I put on a brave face (I felt worse for my boss than he felt for me, since I could see how upset he was and was more than thankful he was telling me ahead of time), and continued doing what I did the whole summer, going on interviews and scramming to find a position. Words alone cannot express how grateful I was when my present job opened up in the HR division I worked in since I was a student and my boss brought me on board. For the first time in months, I felt like I could finally breathe.
My job in HRIS ended on a Friday, and I started working in Benefits the following Tuesday. Although I was still part-time, I told advantage of my role by getting in as much into our processing and repository systems as possible, including over 600 files at one point, assisting with special events and classes for all the HR departments, and even taking an HR Generalist Certification course in Midtown. I achieved a lot for my co-workers and myself. However, at times, I felt very upset and down when I saw people I knew and went to school with getting full-time jobs, whether in their desired fields or not, and going on to work in big cities and do great things while I was still stuck. It wasn’t that I was doing the wrong thing; after taking 2 and a half months off to think, I started applying to positions galore in November-December (I actually put in my cover letters “getting this job would be the perfect Christmas present”) and went on more interviews, half good, half “eh” to bad. Yet none of these opportunities worked out, and it hurt me a lot, even the ones that I knew wouldn’t have worked out. I had yet to realize that the water wasn’t yet boiled; it simply wasn’t my time.
During the course of this year, I competed in the official Miss New York USA pageant and did background acting on Homeland and an Untitled HBO Project while working part-time. I also went on vacation twice, with my best friend to Fort Lauderdale, Hollywood, Miami Beach and South Beach, Florida and with my family to Rhode Island. I took advantage of every opportunity that came my way and made the most of it. While I can still complete in the pageant again next January (and its official, I am) and go on vacation so long as I double check and use a personal day and vacations days, I know I wouldn’t have been able to do the acting again, and for that I’m truly grateful. The past year and four months have been a time of tremendous growth that I needed to undergo and appreciate before I started working full-time — and “at last” the day came.
“At last” for this is a two-part process; today is my last day in HR, Tuesday I’ll start over in Development and Alumni Relations downtown. I’m still working at the university, with is a dream come true on the HR end since most of my stuff is already in the system, but will be in the city and writing so much more, two important things that I wanted to accomplish when pursuing something full-time. I also get to draft proposals, ghostwrite for the university higher ups, interview and do write-ups on donors of the month. Its everything I loved about journalism before I switched out into communications! Although I have to work evening and weekends for busy times and special events, one of said events is an awards dinner at the American Museum of Natural History — need I say more.
This is a great chance to make a fresh start and begin my writing career full-time — during the day as a development associate, and still in my spare time as a creative writer and screenwriter. Yet now is the perfect time for this all is be working out; a year ago I was too closed minded to think outside the box, refusing to apply to positions that didn’t have “writer/editor” in the job title, yet got interviews for even intern and secretary roles at casting and production companies, and the one time I did get an interview for an “Publishing Assistant” role, it was basically a data entry clerk with a fancy title and little to no writing involved. Forget about creative growth, there wasn’t even room for writing official letters. That experience was a big eye opener for me, since it taught me to 1.) investigate companies further (the HR contact assured me it was a “creative role” prior to my interview, and I had a weird experience before then where they wanted to illegally pay me under the minimum wage on the books — a huge hell no and also begging to get shut down) and 2.) read job descriptions thoroughly with attention to every detail. Its like my favorite Dead lyrics of all time, “once in awhile you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right.” Sometimes positions may not seem what you’re looking for by their title, but if you read between the lines and look past the surface, you soon realize that the show might fit. The same can be said with searching for a home, car, or partner. This is a part of life and growing and developing as an individual and intellectual as a whole.
Speaking of “boiling at different degrees,” I’m learning to boil out of my “laissez-faire” (as in translation of “hands off”) romantic dreams and facing reality. I had to fully let go and make peace with my past, and did so the other day; I haven’t heard anything yet. I may or may not, but that doesn’t matter. What counts is that I said everything I needed to say and was aching to get out for years, not placing blame, but instead apologizing on my end, saying there is nothing to forgive because I forgave him a long time ago, and thanking him for all the fun times we had. I was also friendly and invited him to reach out, but if he doesn’t I understand. I feel like years of guilt and doubt are finally lifted off my shoulders, and I’m fully ready for what’s coming. I know now that I need to start dating again — not dating every six months or so and cancelling each other because I don’t want to “waste my time,” but actively going on dates anywhere from every week or so to once a month. Though I’ve dated since my breakup, I’ve only had one official sit down date since then, and nearly five years have gone by; I need to give my potential suitors a chance, just like my ex gave me. We were friends before we started dating, I liking him first and him not reciprocating the feelings, but in time, ironically around the point where I gave up all hope, he told me of his growing feelings and how he wanted us to go out. We didn’t even have our first date when we started dating; all I thought was he was giving me a chance to go out, and the next day he asked me over the phone, “So how was your first day of having a boyfriend?” What? We’re dating already? It was shocking, but great! Yet blurred my mind as I got older, since I saw people dating around, seeing different people at the same time and struggled to differentiate the difference between that and cheating. It took me until this weekend talking with my aunt and best friend to realize that I can date a few guys at the same time and it doesn’t mean I have multiple boyfriends or a boyfriend in general — its ok to have fun and play chess with fate. Not every guy is gonna be like my ex and put the label of “together” on that quick; and that’s a good thing!
So Clint Eastwood’s right — “we boil at different degrees.” Sometimes we make it before others or vice versa. All our friends are in relationships and we’re the only single person in the group or vice versa. Some of them move on faster after a breakup than us or vice versa. The point is what works for us works for us; it might not work for others, but it’s ok. This is all part of the journey of growing up and trusting in the universe and God’s Divine Timing, or whatever you choose to believe in. Everyone moves at their own pace — so let’s move on and take it one step at a time.
For more job searching articles, be sure to check these out!
Also be sure to view these articles on dating and “the single life!”
12 Things I’ve Learned While Being Single for 4 Years
Changes in Self-Discovery and Realization: The Single Life, Good Friends & Tiempo per me
Pursuing the Self: May 2017 Update
Tanto monta, Monta Tanto: The Search for the “Perfect” Partner
“A great artist is always before his time or behind it.”
A brief list of reflections I’ve had/am having throughout the course of the year so far.
“This is why I like the city better!” I yell in frustration. A mixture of confusion, miscommunication, and a bad case of PMS and the tension is over. Yet just by me blabbing that, everything makes sense; it all comes out. Upstate is pretty, beautiful even — but its just not for me. I don’t belong here; I’m meant for downtown.
What was I thinking? They were bad, but not that bad! They weren’t bad at all, but I made them a whole lot worse!
You reflect, thinking and feeling the emotions bottled up rise above the surface all at once. Should I reach out? Should I call? Perhaps I better ignore it; maybe they’re reach out to me. It’s good to have faith, great even, but God only helps those who help themselves. Don’t sit there on your ass doing nothing; do something. Unless divine action has yet to speak through, don’t waste time waiting; depending on our beliefs, we only have one life to live. Best to live it the way we want and stop settling for everything in life.
Am I doing something wrong? I’m visualizing, meditating, scripting, everything; everything but taking action.
Take action — something I expected to do on the receiving end, not giving. Take action — a message I’ve been receiving, but am struggling to accept; those who know me tell me to wait, while the worker in the store or the lady in the church say “no.” They don’t know who I am, my story, what I want/am in the process of, but they can see I need to act on it. I’m tired sitting around doing nothing — its time to take action.
If only divine action would fully call… every time I get close, I back out. Its a habit I need to break myself of; that habit starts right now.
To be continued…
*reverse Arminius is a term I derived as someone who fully engulfs themselves in and adopts the attitudes and behaviors of their new surroundings. An example is someone who’s originally from a rural area in the South moving to Manhattan and has lost their Southern accent and mannerisms completely.
Exactly 1 year, 3 months, and 3 days to the day from graduating, I finally got an offer for a full-time job. I’m still working at my alma mata, but in a different department and in the Financial District of New York City. It’s a lot of writing (including interviewing!), which is right up my alley, and also database and repository system maintenance, which is what I do in my current position and started in my previous ones from when I was a student worker. Words alone cannot describe how grateful and wonderful I feel inside. Like yes, finalmente, I did it!
I start the life of a city commuter, something some have warned me about but I always dreamed of, after Labor Day. I also gave my notice to my bosses after finding out; its a bittersweet feeling. While I’m happy to at last go full-time and begin my career writing and downtown, I’ll miss everyone in the Westchester office and working in HR. I literally grew up in this department, starting off as a doe-eyed student transforming into the successful woman I am today. Plus its been an amazing, positive, and inspiring environment, both in Briarcliff and Valhalla. Lucky for myself and my co-workers, we’ll still be in touch, both as I transition into this full-time role and become benefits eligible (you bet I’m going back to school to get my master’s as soon as I can!) and as we become/remain “cubicle mates,” since some of my co-workers also commute into the city on certain days (and some are there full-time), and the HR area is right next to all the Alumni Relations departments.
For the next two weeks, I’m continuing my normal work, and also getting together as much information as I can for my successor. I’ll also begin cleaning up, which is funny how I’m downsizing for my moving into a new home and now also moving into a new job, and enjoying the last few Mondays I have off.
Remember, it’s not the end — its only the beginning.
Rocks against cast irons, subway
stations filled with being from
top to floor, exiting on past the
platform, reaching for above, light,
air, the buildings touched by angels,
heaven galore. How could humans
makes things such as these?
*Image from Google Image search
shall be, no matter the length
of time passing between you and
me. Stop dragging your feet, do not
fear — touch, reach out– I promise —
I am here; I bear no ill will, am holding
no grudge. The past is dead, finished, gone —
done. Years down the drain, keep calm — its
time to move on, and cast all anxiety aside. Pick
up the phone and call, what must you lose! We
already lost so much time. But descandsar —
rest — I promise as we reunite, we’ll get by — for
what’s meant to be is..shall..will be…for what’s
meant to be is you — you and me.
O César o nada, its all or nothing. O César
o nada, I must tell you something — O César o
nada — nothing or all, o César o nada, I shall not
fall, o O César o nada, you and me — what will be is shall
and meant to be, o O César o nada, we shall again meet — as
Fernando and Isabel united Spain, and Isabel de Portugal served
regent for her emperador, I know again we’ll be against the rocky
shores, as like ours, both unions were abandoned for awhile, before
either relationship truly begun, we were already together once, twice, you
and I are already twelve steps ahead — just stop it now, don’t be afraid– O César
o nada, my love. Come back, for O César o nada, we are each other’s destiny, O
César o nada, its you and me, O César o nada, where fate soon leads. O César o
nada, I’ve done my best, O César o nada, ritorna, come back, show me something
built to last. O César o nada, I am yours, and you are mine, O César o nada, you’re a
lready here, showing yourself all in due time. O César o nada, I let you and trust in
God to lead, O César o nada, us back together, tanto monta, monta tanto, our destiny. O
César o nada, you can run, but you can’t escape the fates. O César o nada, don’t
forget, dear one, not all is left to God, but given to man for his role to play. O César o
nada, time your time, get ready. O César o nada, I know your heart is full and heavy, but
O César o nada — the most precious thing we’re losing is time. O César o nada — call or
text me now, O César o nada, no one games — again let I be yours, and you be mine.
O César o nada — we cannot turn back the hands of time. O César o nada — but
we can begin, O César o nada, be in the present, be not afraid, for I was and am
always yours, and you were and are always mine. O César o nada, O César o nada,
O César o nada, O César o nada — let us reunite, happy and mature, creating our
future tanto monta, monta tanto —
all in God’s time.