“We boil at different degrees” — this means that everyone grows and matures at their own pace. Perhaps you feel different and disconnected from people, places, and things whom you love, but have evolved from. Maybe you’re deciding to build a new life for yourself and your family and friends think differently on it. It could be you or someone else has yet to move on from a traumatic event or want to break free. The message? Descansar — rest, don’t tire yourself. If you’re feeling down because your moment has yet to come, fear not; your time is coming, all you need do is have patience and wait.
I’m one of the most impatient people I know of and can vouch for that. A year ago, I was working in a position that I knew I wanted to get out of when my supervisor informed me that my co-worker and I were getting let go in a month; our department moved to another division, and the funding was no longer available to pay part-time employees. I put on a brave face (I felt worse for my boss than he felt for me, since I could see how upset he was and was more than thankful he was telling me ahead of time), and continued doing what I did the whole summer, going on interviews and scramming to find a position. Words alone cannot express how grateful I was when my present job opened up in the HR division I worked in since I was a student and my boss brought me on board. For the first time in months, I felt like I could finally breathe.
My job in HRIS ended on a Friday, and I started working in Benefits the following Tuesday. Although I was still part-time, I told advantage of my role by getting in as much into our processing and repository systems as possible, including over 600 files at one point, assisting with special events and classes for all the HR departments, and even taking an HR Generalist Certification course in Midtown. I achieved a lot for my co-workers and myself. However, at times, I felt very upset and down when I saw people I knew and went to school with getting full-time jobs, whether in their desired fields or not, and going on to work in big cities and do great things while I was still stuck. It wasn’t that I was doing the wrong thing; after taking 2 and a half months off to think, I started applying to positions galore in November-December (I actually put in my cover letters “getting this job would be the perfect Christmas present”) and went on more interviews, half good, half “eh” to bad. Yet none of these opportunities worked out, and it hurt me a lot, even the ones that I knew wouldn’t have worked out. I had yet to realize that the water wasn’t yet boiled; it simply wasn’t my time.
During the course of this year, I competed in the official Miss New York USA pageant and did background acting on Homeland and an Untitled HBO Project while working part-time. I also went on vacation twice, with my best friend to Fort Lauderdale, Hollywood, Miami Beach and South Beach, Florida and with my family to Rhode Island. I took advantage of every opportunity that came my way and made the most of it. While I can still complete in the pageant again next January (and its official, I am) and go on vacation so long as I double check and use a personal day and vacations days, I know I wouldn’t have been able to do the acting again, and for that I’m truly grateful. The past year and four months have been a time of tremendous growth that I needed to undergo and appreciate before I started working full-time — and “at last” the day came.
“At last” for this is a two-part process; today is my last day in HR, Tuesday I’ll start over in Development and Alumni Relations downtown. I’m still working at the university, with is a dream come true on the HR end since most of my stuff is already in the system, but will be in the city and writing so much more, two important things that I wanted to accomplish when pursuing something full-time. I also get to draft proposals, ghostwrite for the university higher ups, interview and do write-ups on donors of the month. Its everything I loved about journalism before I switched out into communications! Although I have to work evening and weekends for busy times and special events, one of said events is an awards dinner at the American Museum of Natural History — need I say more.
This is a great chance to make a fresh start and begin my writing career full-time — during the day as a development associate, and still in my spare time as a creative writer and screenwriter. Yet now is the perfect time for this all is be working out; a year ago I was too closed minded to think outside the box, refusing to apply to positions that didn’t have “writer/editor” in the job title, yet got interviews for even intern and secretary roles at casting and production companies, and the one time I did get an interview for an “Publishing Assistant” role, it was basically a data entry clerk with a fancy title and little to no writing involved. Forget about creative growth, there wasn’t even room for writing official letters. That experience was a big eye opener for me, since it taught me to 1.) investigate companies further (the HR contact assured me it was a “creative role” prior to my interview, and I had a weird experience before then where they wanted to illegally pay me under the minimum wage on the books — a huge hell no and also begging to get shut down) and 2.) read job descriptions thoroughly with attention to every detail. Its like my favorite Dead lyrics of all time, “once in awhile you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right.” Sometimes positions may not seem what you’re looking for by their title, but if you read between the lines and look past the surface, you soon realize that the show might fit. The same can be said with searching for a home, car, or partner. This is a part of life and growing and developing as an individual and intellectual as a whole.
Speaking of “boiling at different degrees,” I’m learning to boil out of my “laissez-faire” (as in translation of “hands off”) romantic dreams and facing reality. I had to fully let go and make peace with my past, and did so the other day; I haven’t heard anything yet. I may or may not, but that doesn’t matter. What counts is that I said everything I needed to say and was aching to get out for years, not placing blame, but instead apologizing on my end, saying there is nothing to forgive because I forgave him a long time ago, and thanking him for all the fun times we had. I was also friendly and invited him to reach out, but if he doesn’t I understand. I feel like years of guilt and doubt are finally lifted off my shoulders, and I’m fully ready for what’s coming. I know now that I need to start dating again — not dating every six months or so and cancelling each other because I don’t want to “waste my time,” but actively going on dates anywhere from every week or so to once a month. Though I’ve dated since my breakup, I’ve only had one official sit down date since then, and nearly five years have gone by; I need to give my potential suitors a chance, just like my ex gave me. We were friends before we started dating, I liking him first and him not reciprocating the feelings, but in time, ironically around the point where I gave up all hope, he told me of his growing feelings and how he wanted us to go out. We didn’t even have our first date when we started dating; all I thought was he was giving me a chance to go out, and the next day he asked me over the phone, “So how was your first day of having a boyfriend?” What? We’re dating already? It was shocking, but great! Yet blurred my mind as I got older, since I saw people dating around, seeing different people at the same time and struggled to differentiate the difference between that and cheating. It took me until this weekend talking with my aunt and best friend to realize that I can date a few guys at the same time and it doesn’t mean I have multiple boyfriends or a boyfriend in general — its ok to have fun and play chess with fate. Not every guy is gonna be like my ex and put the label of “together” on that quick; and that’s a good thing!
So Clint Eastwood’s right — “we boil at different degrees.” Sometimes we make it before others or vice versa. All our friends are in relationships and we’re the only single person in the group or vice versa. Some of them move on faster after a breakup than us or vice versa. The point is what works for us works for us; it might not work for others, but it’s ok. This is all part of the journey of growing up and trusting in the universe and God’s Divine Timing, or whatever you choose to believe in. Everyone moves at their own pace — so let’s move on and take it one step at a time.
For more job searching articles, be sure to check these out!
Also be sure to view these articles on dating and “the single life!”
12 Things I’ve Learned While Being Single for 4 Years
Changes in Self-Discovery and Realization: The Single Life, Good Friends & Tiempo per me
Pursuing the Self: May 2017 Update
Tanto monta, Monta Tanto: The Search for the “Perfect” Partner
There is always someone, something, to be grateful for. Always.
- JST.C, 7/12/2017, 10:33 A.M. EST
Buon giorno tutti, e felice prima di giugno! That’s “good morning everyone, and happy June 1st!” in Italian. Today is the start of a brand new month, one that I feel nothing but happiness and positive vibes about. Historically, June has always been a prime month in my life where many chances occurred. From graduating junior high (I graduated high school and college in May), to losing my grandparents within exactly a year and two weeks of each other (my grandmother ascended three days before her birthday), realizing my love for la citta just as I left Rome and recovered my repressed love for the city in general (ti amo, Manhattan) to going to concerts, being a bridesmaid in my cousin’s wedding, taking finals and regents, even starting a new job, many of life’s large journeys crossed their paths during this time of the year, and I’m on high alert — but in a good way. Therefore, I want to spread the joy and positive energy out there for anything and everything that is to come.
It’s also the month of St. Anthony, the patron saint of miracles and lost things in Catholicism. Whether you’re skeptical or not, this saint has done the impossible for myself and my friends for God knows how long. From helping my great-grandmother during a dangerous childbirth with my grandfather, finding my cousin’s now-husband, and helping me in various aspects of my life, it’s no surprise as to why he’s my favorite saint and beloved intercessor. His feast day is June 13th, a day that is not to be feared because of the modern legend of the number, but to be celebrated and multiplied with positive intent, energy, healing, and love.
Here’s a short *prayer to get the month started and lift your spirits up. May happiness and love fill your heart, and, as the Grateful Dead said, “once in a while you get shone the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right.” Avere un giungo Benedetto!
Caro Dio — Dear Lord,
As we enter this sacred month, help me to remain calm and
be fruitful in all that I do. Help me and assist me, Dear Lord, in
fulfilling my goals and finally obtaining– and regaining– my
heart’s true desires. Let my mind be not troubled, but ever
growing and glowing in grace, knowledge, wisdom, and love. And
thank you, God, thank you, Jesus, thank you, Holy Spirit, thank you,
Blessed Virgin Mary, and thank you, St. Anthony, patron saint
of miracles and returning lost people and items–and all the angels and saints and
ancestors hearing me–for all that has been given and the even
better things that are to come. And so it is– amen.
*this prayer is open to all regardless of religion or faith. Names can be switched out or changed to the participant’s liking.
My best friend Lauren and I went to south Florida for vacation a month ago. While staying in Fort Lauderdale, we dazzled in exploring the city along with Hollywood, Miami Beach, and South Beach. This photo was taken on her iPhone7 at Fort Lauderdale Beach via the Sunrise Blvd. entrance.
Buon giorno, everyone! The past month was busy, from my vacation in Florida to preparing materials to enter into another writing contest, but its safe to say I’ll post again daily now. Don’t worry, I knocked on wood to ensure this happens.
One thing that I cultivated more in these past weeks is meditation. One of my best friends is huge on meditation, and her actually meditating on the beach while we were in Florida really inspired me. From enhancing the power of prayer to the energy within myself, I’ve been more in tune lately and am currently using law of attraction exercises to bring me my heart’s desires. It is and isn’t easy — getting into the zone is easier when you truly let go, yet truly letting go is the hard part. The reason why is because its good to use affirmations and visualize your manifestations, yet if you focus too much, it’ll cause friction since the emotions and desired outcome are too attached to one another. After trying a new technique last night, and taking action with the last contest I entered in so far in terms of manifesting my career and lifestyle goals, I’m ready to fully let go and let go. I did let go and let God, and eagerly wait the desired outcome while surrendering my will to the higher power of the universe.
Speaking of God, the universe, or whatever you wish to call it (I use both interchangeably, along with Jesus, Mary, and specific saints since I identify as an open-minded Catholic and call for ancestors on occasion, too), its amazing how the higher power is always looking out for us. The first time I felt the strength and didn’t know it, I was driving and felt something have me take force of my steering wheel and go into the other lane without hesitation. I realized why five minutes later when the car in the other lane nearly collided with the one behind me, who was now parallel to them. The moment of awe, wonder, and “thank you, God” set in as I made it safely to class three years ago. Someone was watching over me and ensured my safety while on the road.
That same moment came to me five nights ago, but I wasn’t on the road traveling; I was in my own house. After a long day of working hard on my General Hospital spec script to submit to the Disney/ABC Writing Program and attempted realization in between, I finally took at break. It was after 10:00 pm, and I went to browse my phone when I noticed I had a missed call. I clicked and saw that 1.) the call was actually from the night before at 12:38 am and 2.) it was a number I didn’t recognize, yet it had my county’s area code. When this happens, its usually a telemarketer or a recruiter. Why a recruiter would call someone after midnight I don’t know, but I have had them message me at 1 am before, and always for, pardon my tongue, bull shit jobs that its obvious I don’t want since I put specifically on my requests “no sales position inquiries.” So I Google the number, as I always do when I receive a call from one I don’t recognize, and I was in shock by what popped up — it was the home number of someone who screwed me over in the past. Her parents’ info came right up; I was shook.
Out of respect, I won’t provide any details other than this person was a horrible friend and was my then-boyfriend’s mistress for the last 10 months of our relationship before I left for the final time and she officially replaced me. My mind might sound biased, but even before all that happened, I knew in my gut she was a bad person because of the things she’d say and do to people. However, I like to see the best in people and hoped it wasn’t true. It took all that plus her throwing her sins onto me and getting people to believe them to fully rip my eyes open. As one of my friends who has an amazing sixth sense said upon meeting her one time, this person is “soulless,” giving off nothing but the worst aura imaginable. That’s why God had me miss that phone call — to protect me from whatever mind games she wanted to play, despite the fact that five years came and went, and she got exactly what she wanted. The last time she bothered me four years ago, and she did it very sneaky since she makes people snap at her and pretends to be the victim, I fell right into her trap and the outcome was not good. I don’t know why she’d call me, but I do know she used that number because she knows I wouldn’t answer if she did on her cell phone. Yet her outcome of causing a farce was not achieved; mine of meditating that night and working hard the following day was, and I didn’t even notice her sad attempt until later.
How did I handle it? Through wisdom — the wisdom I acquired and continue to over the years guided me to block the number to ensure it would never happen again. This is a far cry from the girl I was years ago, who would’ve fallen into the trap of calling back and getting all worked up. As much as I would’ve loved to finally have told her like it is, its not worth it. Her energy is so dark and negative that it would cause nothing but pain, pain I left behind so long ago. I don’t wish her well, and I don’t wish her luck; I forgive her for stealing my life years ago and hope karma does her the justice she deserves, if it hasn’t already.
After blocking the number, I got on my knees and thanked God. I haven’t gotten what I want just yet, but I did prevent myself from dealing with something, someone, that was nothing but wrong. Never underestimated God, the universe, whatever you want to call your deity’s power; True Light only wants what’s best for you.
Have a blessed day and nothing but peaceful energy and vibes 🙂 !
“This above all: to thine own self be true
And it must follow, as the night the day
Thou canst not then be false to any man/Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!”
- Polonius, Hamlet, written by William Shakespeare
I’m not here to discuss a dissertation on this famous phrase. Instead, I intend to combat it into a central theme in this blog– self-awareness. While it may be hard to believe, the hardest time we ever have getting to know something isn’t our distant relatives or the lucky person we’re crushing on; its us– ourselves. Why is it so difficult to know yourself? Aren’t just people who are ill solely in this category? Think of it this way– we’re always doing what other people tell us. Whether its our parents, siblings, friends, boss, co-workers, significant other, etc., our role is constantly to please others. Regardless of whether we enjoy catering to others to not, we still space the image of ourselves through everyone else’s eyes except our own. When we don’t take notice of how we act towards ourselves and others, we are not self-aware, although we can be aware of others.
Often times this leads to confrontation, whether minor or major, and we are in denial of our character based on feedback on others. Some of us take a step back and realize the situation, others keep their foot down, refusing to admit guilt. Yet nine times out of ten when we apologize and say “I can change,” we’re not doing it for ourselves, but for others. We’re constantly trying to mold ourselves into other people’s visions rather than our own. In fact, many people find it impossible to visualize themselves without the important people in their life. This is normal and totally understandable, but we must remember that we are more than just so-and-so’s child, friend, partner, employee; we are ourselves, uniquely and beautifully, and no one can take that away from us. Ever.
So how do you become self-aware of who you are? What do you need to do? Step one, and perhaps the hardest step of all, you need to be alone. This is perfect for anyone who is going through a breakup or experiencing death. Does that mean lock yourself up in your room and avoid human contact? No, of course not. It simply means do an activity by yourself– go to the city, the beach, the country, on vacation. Notice how you feel by yourself. What are you craving? What do you want to do that you couldn’t do with others? Give into the cravings and do what you want; eat the pizza, go dancing, swim with dolphins. As long as you don’t hurt yourself or others, do what you must for yourself and have fun with it. Notice how you interact with people; you’ll see some things in yourself you never noticed. A perfect example is if you use kindness, kindness will find its way back. Along with that is also don’t take anyone’s shit. Its no secret that they’re not too fond of Americans in Europe, depending on the country and city/region/town. While my fluency may not be strong, I can speak basic Italian and Spanish, and I fully understand the former. While stopping with friends in Benetton, I simply said excuse me in Italian as I passed a worker. He started laughing at my New York accent, remarking “De nada, de nada,” which means “you’re welcome” in Spanish. I looked at one of my friends and said, “That’s Spanish.” The man remarks giggling like a five-year-old, “No, no its Italian.” He thinks he’s smart.
“So Italiano e so Español,” I remarked. “Un poco– ma io so.”
That means in a combo of the languages that I know Italian and I know Spanish, a little, but I know. His stupid grin faded, and he waltzed off. So what’s the meaning? Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself; get over the fear of looking like what someone else, not your, might see yourself as. You just feel better in the long run and it makes you a stronger person.
That’s Step 1– spend time alone, notice how you interact with people, and be nice but take no shit. Now Step 2– notice yourself around people you usually surround yourself with. Ask and assert these questions: why am I with them? Are we having fun? Are they bringing out the best in me? If you answered “yes” to all those questions, you have no worries; if, however, you answered “no” to the last part, assert yourself with these follow-ups: “Why do we hang out?”, “Are they really trustworthy?,” and “Is there a reason why this relationship is still going?” If you can’t find a positive answered, you need to find different people to hang out with. Scat. This was a problem I had for a long time. I hung around and associated myself with a crew of people who I never truly felt a part of. While they are good people, its no secret that some of them illustrated no qualms about giving hints I didn’t count, either. I have nothing bad to say and won’t demonize them — they have the tendency to be gossip, but, hey, don’t we are. Although they might never realize it, the gossip can come off as two faced and fake. I didn’t like it. Ironically it took getting another now former friend with her issues in the mix for me to see that it was time to go, for I never truly fit in. So I distanced myself. Severely. A year later, I realized maybe I was too hard on them, my means of distance being full of its two-facedness and gossip that I was truly to get away from, and we all reconnected.
The brief reunion with my group from high school was a lot of fun, the most we’d had in years. However, I got the previously mentioned old friend involved, who, despite seeming like an innocent person, inflicts severe damage, harm, and casts a negative aura on all those she associates herself with. I used to blame her for years, though now I realize that she may or may not be bad after all, given the fact that, like my ex, she has a psychological condition that she’ll never get checked out because she’s constantly in denial and believes drugs, alcohol, and gratification from backstabbing others makes all the pain go away. She brings out the worst in everyone and puts them in dangerous situations; it took her leaving me at a bar not in the right state of mind to see this. Yet everyone loves her because of the all the crazy stories they can get out of her, despite the fact that they know that she needs real help from medical professionals and they’re not helping, only enabling her destructive behavior. That’s why I don’t bother with any of them anymore. Only one person from the group, to me the most honest and genuine one, I keep in touch with; the rest? Non proprio — not really. We say “hello” and “goodbye,” or check in on one another once in a while, but that’s about it. Perhaps if she didn’t get involved again, we’d be close again, or maybe not.
The moral of the story is this — this period of my life is a boat, myself and my high school friends the passengers. I never felt part of the group, and would retreat to my cabin (staying away for a year). One day I realized maybe it was too harsh, so I came out, and everything was good again. But then that old friend came along, myself leading her in their direction ironically, as an iceberg, which caused the ship to crash. Unlike everyone else who decided to stay on board and go down because they couldn’t let go or picture themselves off of the ship, I jumped overboard, cast adrift into the ocean, until I found new land (my higher self), and survived. Don’t be afraid to jump ship — you’ll sail adrift for days, months, even years, but there is always land in sight. Something better will come along, or perhaps the past will work itself out when all parties involved are aware and mature in accordance with free will and divine timing. Its also survival of the fittest. You must do what’s best in order to move on. In time, you’ll know it was worth it, and have better people in your life, or realize the good people in your life you used to take for granted all the time. This is a huge step in becoming self-aware.
Now onto step 3– “Journey to the Past (Anastasia reference, sorry I had to), but Don’t Live There.” That past is our biggest teacher in hindsight, but we can’t get too warped up in it. Focus on the mistakes, but don’t linger there; realize what should’ve been done, but also why things are the way they are and realize how its better this way. A perfect example is how I always wanted, and to this day still long a little, to go back to my first two years of high school. I had it all — loads of friends, an amazing boyfriend, good grades and a social life, I was always going out, etc. This was a huge accomplishment for me, especially being a product of formerly strict parents growing up. Everything people do in college, I did in high school, even the dates, although it was with one guy. Yet I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
Then years later, reality hit. Friendships died, romance crumbled. I felt so forlorn and longing for the past for so long. It affected me deeply. I dealt with a lot at such a young age and did the best I could. Plain and simple. The romance didn’t work out, the friendship didn’t make it, you didn’t get the job– what’s done is done. Learn from the past, focus on the future, and most of all, live in the present moment. Also, who knows. Maybe people are meant to be in our lives, but at different times then they originally were. We all need time and room to learn, grow, and love at our own paces. Perhaps you’ll meet or hear from them again; others not. But we must live in the present moment, and try our best not to be preoccupied by longing for the future or the past.
Live. That’s the big advice I can give to be self-aware. Live the life you want, not the one others force on you. Reject their force and use your own; choose your own fate. Happiness belongs to those who make it, so get going. The time is now, and there’s no going back, only moving forward.
Last Wednesday, I began working out for an hour everyday and already notice the changes in my body and mood. I joined the gym at my job, using my one hour lunch to go there where I use a variety of machines, such as weight machines, free weights, elliptical trainers, recumbent stationary bikes (“cycling”), regular gym bikes, and, my favorite, cardio rowing machines, a.k.a “rowers.” I’m not going to lie, the reason why I last so long on those is, besides being comfortable, I feel like I’m in the rowing scene of Ben-Hur and want to succeed even more. Moreover, when not at work or the gym, I use Rebecca-Lousie’s videos on XHIT while at home and walking longer distances as opposed to using the subway when I’m in the city.
In conversation with my best friend, she mentioned, “the first things to go are your boobs and butt.” I admit, I didn’t want to be believe this, I don’t want to, but it’s the first thing I noticed all week. Not the boobs, but the butt; I’ve always had a large chest growing up, even when I was a size 0, so no worries there. My bottom, however, is from all the weight I gained in college, and while I haven’t dropped a pants size or two just yet, I notice the change of fittings in my pants, tights, jeans, etc. My tighes can now breathe in my pajama shorts, and some of my tights are looser than they were back a few weeks. I don’t have to “suck it in” as much to fit in my jeans, and I don’t feel like I have a gut hanging out. Speaking of gut, my stomach feels pulled in more like it was when I was in high school, so much so I got a little concerned. Is this normal? I think to myself, as I waltz down the hallway at my job to my cubicle. Of course it is, its just been so long that I forgot. However, it was not back in the midst of high school when I was this fit– it was mere months ago, from May to November 2016.
Being in Rome for three weeks with no car having to relay on my feet and the metro propelled me to get back into shape. I can home with so much energy I didn’t know what to do with; I actually began to miss mass transit, even though I live right outside of NYC. Therefore, I started working out at home. I began utilizing the abandoned yoga mat and weights I ignored in my room from once to four times a day, usually twice on a workout, and four times on my day off. I also when tanning– the natural way. I went from being Dracula’s daughter to Baywatch golden. Then fall came– not so bad, my going on interviews downtown helped me in terms of being on my toes walking in NYC and on mass transit. I also went on hikes, too. It was winter that killed me– cold weather ruins everything. Yet it couldn’t have come at a worse time, since I was doing Miss New York USA 2017 in January. Oh well, I thought. I’ll just work with what I have. Did I do well? Yes, I did. Did I do my best? No– in fact, I didn’t realize until a month later, I could’ve done much better, in terms of my body. I don’t hate my body, I love it; I just want to be more toned down and healthy, although I refuse to give up my “diet of a 12-year-old boy,” as my aunt calls it, just limit it. Instead of having chicken fingers and fries for lunch everyday, a yogurt and chips will do…at work. Weekends are different, only if its a special occasion, like I’m out with friends or in the city or something. Either way, it couldn’t have come at a better time, since things are tight and after the next fun packed week ahead, I literally can’t spend any money, except on bills. Either way, it’ll all work out– pun definitely intended.
P.S: The “Push It to the Limit” in this title is a spin on the song from Scarface, not the God awful Corbin Bleu movie of the same name. He’s a good actor, but we don’t talk about that. We don’t ever talk about that.